Avoiding the mirror in the bathroom, scared to death of what will meet me... Did I gain any weight since last time? Do I still look as fat as I did yesterday? Or do I look worse? I eventually have to take a look, out of curiosity of whether I did well yesterday.... In a world where 'doing well' means eating nothing and exercise even more is what makes your 'daily bread'. Even though I know before hand my reaction to my reflection, I still cringe by the time I let myself look in the mirror. In disgust I try to 'measure' my weight. I have to make sure I did not GAIN anything but LOST weight since last time. Somehow the 'mirror measuring' never worked. Somehow I always looked bigger. I felt like my body gained weight if I just let myself *think* about food, let alone smell it. Eating it was out of the question. I step on the scale next, clearly remembering what number showed up last time. Once again I have to force myself to look. Just as I see the number showing I get off and quickly write it down. I have to keep track, I can't let myself look fatter than what I already am. Good morning.

    A 12 year old girl says she's not hungry. She starts giving away her lunch her mother made her. 'I had dinner at a friend's house' starts to become a good explanation as to why she doesn't want dinner. But all in all no one noticed that the girl started eating less. So it was made rather easy to maintain a 'eating less' schedule. The 12 year old girl is now a 20 year old young woman having to struggle with the term "eating disorders", every day. In fact it's more like every second every day. What I thought would make me happier and lose weight, made me lose so much more, my life.

    By the time I was 14 I was barely eating. A slice of plain bread was often what was considered my dinner. Eating in front of others was something I never did, having people look at me stuffing my face while I was already as fat were something I couldn't take. Food was on my mind a lot more than I wanted to admit. People saying that people with an eating disorder are able to stop thinking about food. Stop being hungry. It's a lie. Never before do your thoughts concentrate harder on food. Never before have you been this hungry. But at the end of the day, when you've been able to go hungry without eating, you praise yourself. You did well.

    I started skipping my gymnastic classes. I didn't want to change in front of others. I felt like a failure in gymnastic class in general, because my body wasn't able to make me get top scores in physical work. I got tired easily. My body would give in easily. What was the point in doing anything if I wouldn't be able to keep up with it anyway? I started digging a hole, and it got deeper and deeper by the minute.

    Before I knew it I was 15 years old and started a new semester at a new school. I talked to a counsellor for the first time, saying I felt uncomfortable and was hoping for an alternative schedule that I could work with on my own. The answer I got was no, I had to attend the gymnastic and swimming classes. I did once. And I still remember the horrible feeling. I wanted to cry I wanted to run off and I wanted to get out of there. I sat in my swim suit all the way in the back, with my towel wrapped around me as well as I could. I told my teacher I was sick and he let me stay put at the bench, with my towel. For all the coming swimming and gymnastic classes, I refused and went for walks instead. However still no one was questioning my reasons or took a second to look at what was really going on.

    When I was 16 I started a new school. Once again I tried to talk to the counsellor, saying I just didn't feel comfortable with the whole thing and wanted to be able to choose my own schedule within the class of gymnastics. For the first time in life someone took my request as a sign and told me that I would have to go to a psychiatrist for my wish to be granted or even considered. I was mad and upset and scared, but I knew that I would not be able to attend the gymnastic classes on a regular basis like a regular student so I agreed. I thought it would be a one time thing anyway, and everything would be set for me within a week, and I wouldn't have to worry about it again.

    I didn't say much when I met the psychiatrist for the first time. I was shy and didn't really want anyone to notice me on a more personal level and he was asking a lot of questions and he required me to answer deeper than I was prepared for. I still remember it like yesterday. I felt like I was going to die in that room... It felt sooo small, the walls were caving in and I kept swallowing because my mouth was dry and the air was disappearing for every breath I took. Just as I was about to leave he dropped the bomb. 'You'll have to come back next week'. I almost started to cry, I did not want to have to go through the same thing again. With a hope for getting my own schedule within the gymnastic classes I quickly resigned and agreed to the fact that I had to come back.

    This was the start of a year going to a psychiatrist once a week. It was a nice thing, as it, at the same time, was the most difficult thing I had to go through; I had to face the fact that I was sick. I had to accept that I had lost control. The control I so desperately wanted to begin with. The control I knew deep down I never had.

    I had just turned 17 years old when my psychiatrist asked me; 'you're aware of the fact that you're diagnosed as an anorexic?' I got so mad when he said that but also terribly scared. I was mad that he thought I had an eating disorder. That he thought I couldn't control myself well enough to prevent that from happening. But I was also scared that someone actually understood that what I was doing was not healthy. I became scared because he knew. Because deep down I also knew that my eating had gotten out of control a long time ago.

    At this point I didn't ever want to see him again. I had failed my outer image and he had betrayed me. I told him not to make me anymore appointments because I wouldn't show anyway. I told him he was a liar and that there had been no reason for what he was accusing me of being. And I left. I came home and broke down in tears and frustration; it was like a wake up call, and reality struck.

    I eventually however did go back. I just needed time to breathe and of course to prepare myself for a difficult phrase in my life. I continued to see him until the school year was over. Then I wanted to continue my fight on my own.

    And this takes me to today. A struggle it has been, and a struggle it will be. I get up in the morning knowing it's a new day and new options. I don't judge myself every morning I get up anymore, that is not how I want to start my day. Changing my attitude towards eating is something I still work on. Don't expect a change over night it won't happen. A diet or losing weight get out of control the day you think about throwing up or refuse to eat. Easy as that. I just wish it would be just as easy to retrain the control.

    It got out of control the day I wanted to lose weight. That is when it gets out of control, and also now you see how easy it is to get out of control. The day I threw up because I felt like I'd had too much to eat, it was out of control. The day I refused to eat because I thought I looked fat, it was out of control.

    You see, once you turn to an unhealthy way of losing weight, when you feel so desperate that you just want to put yourself and your body in a dangerous situation that is the day it's out of control. If you feel that way, you can't control it anymore, it may just stick to feelings and wanting and never really action to do anything, but you're there, you already started the path towards the dreadful eating disorders, and it may seem to be under control, till the day you suddenly feels like you've had too much to eat. What do you do? Most likely you will first think of throwing up or just simply quit eating... Now do you see my point?

    Eating disorders is never, NEVER, the easy way out, it will never be no matter what. It'll give you more problems, and it will not make you feel any better about yourself, it'll get worse and worse and worse. You'll put yourself down daily even if you lost weight, you'll see yourself as the ugliest person in the whole wide world, that you're fat and disgusting for people to look at, and yet you can be one of the skinniest people walking this earth. Eating disorders blind you; it blinds your eyes of your inner vision as well as your outer vision. Instead of just losing weight, you'll end up losing something much more important on the way; you'll lose every bit of your happiness.

    To be able to feel good about yourself you have to start working with your mind and your mind only, at least in the beginning. In the state you are now, all kind of ways to lose weight will most likely get out of control into the state of an eating disorder, even if it starts out to be one of the healthier ways. You have to concentrate about how you think about yourself, how you see yourself, how you treat yourself and how you respect yourself and your body.

    The journey to where I am today has luckily also taught me a lot. I know what beauty truly is. Being beautiful on the outside is a product of being beautiful on the inside. And being beautiful on the outside is not what the media has made as 'beautiful', thank goodness, it's what you are, who you are, that is beautiful, your uniqueness, there's only one of you, and that is beautiful. There is no right or wrong when it comes to how you look.

    I didn't just lose weight. I lost a lot during these years, most of all I lost my happiness, my life. Never make the mistake of granting your weight as the bearer of your happiness, because it never is.

source: www.teenadviceonline.org